How to Pretend You’re Sick to get Attention or to get Someone in Trouble…

Do you guys like fairy tails? I will let you in on a little secret, but if you tell on me I will DENY it forever… I LOVE them! So check it out, this Murph is gonna tell you an even BETTER story. This one’s TRUE! Of course it stars ME. What kinda story is better than THAT?!

This story takes me back a LONG time…not to a galaxy far far away or anything… but it was pretty long. Before my Mom and Dad were even married!

You should probably be sitting down for this one. It’s very dramatic and you should get comfy. Maybe grab a snack? I should grab a snack…WAIT. Sorry, I was starting to tell my story. Well. About 13 years ago, my Mom and Dad began to date. Now, life had been pretty good, all things considering. Mom and I hung out every day when she was finished with work or school. We watched TV, she gave me food, I chilled out on her shoulder while she worked on the computer designing things or doing homework…I slept on a pillow on her bed… we were BEST friends. THEN (I always think that there should be an impressive drum roll here…) “IT” happened. My Mom and Dad started to date. I didn’t think much about Dad, really. Mom dated here and there. Sometimes she’d be gone on a date and come home late…but she’d get me out and tell me about her evening. It was all good. But DAD. Well. I could tell right away he was different. She talked to him on the phone. She talked to ME about him. She talked to my aunt Erin about him. She talked to EVERYONE about him. And when I met him…well, he didn’t seem that great to ME, but what did I know? I was only 3 years old… but pretty soon she was with him ALL the time. They went out, or they hung around home, but I wasn’t sitting with them the whole time. I got put to bed early. NO SNACK. I didn’t get to sleep on my pillow in the bed because I had to go to bed early. Life was beginning to annoy me. The last straw was when I heard something about moving out…getting married. Was she going to leave me behind?! I was kind of scared… I needed to take action! DOWN WITH THIS GUY! I launched into my plan...

Well. While we were staying with Grandma before this whole WEDDING and moving out thing, it was the end of winter. It was nearly spring, but still winter. And it was COLD. It’s ALWAYS cold at Grandma’s house.

Mom was gone all the time. She kept telling me she was looking at apartments with my almost Dad. All I knew is that guy was taking my Mom away from me and I wasn’t gonna take it anymore. It was either HIM or ME. And I picked ME. We had a pretty good life before he came along and ruined everything.

I heard Mom’s car pull into the driveway after work one night. She flew into the house, went down to her room, and she was talking to me…yelling up the steps while she ran around. “hey little Murph! Howsit going, buddy? I can’t stay…getting ready to go see an apartment!”

HA. Not if this Murph could help it! I got prepared. I jumped around a little and rumpled my feathers…I stretched… I got into position…

I heard Mom’s steps as she flew back up to the kitchen, and she came around the corner to the living room.

  “you’re awfully quiet little bud-“ she stopped dead in her tracks and FREAKED out. It was hard not to laugh, actually, but I kept it in… I was frozen to my spot, eyes glazed over… vacant look on my face…

  “MURPHY!!!! Buddy! Are you ok! What’s wrong!” Mom said to me in a hysterical voice. The panic and fear I heard kind-of made me feel bad, but I focused on my goal: get rid of this guy! For good measure, I let out a small sneeze… that did it! Mom was panicked.

  “MURPHERS! My baby! What’s happened! You’re sick! OMG! My little scoopers! My little boy!” Mom was trying to feel my head and she was upset. Poor Mom. But I couldn’t abandon the plan NOW. I was pretty close to the prize.

Her stupid phone rang while she was bringing me and my cage into the kitchen because, as she pointed out, it’s the warmest room in the house. Normally I squawked my head off when the phone rang, and I was SO good – NOTHING. Silence. She was upset when she answered. “OH MY GOSH my Murph is sick!!!! NO you don’t understand! He didn’t even make a PEEP when the phone rang! He’s been sneezing!!!!”

There was a silence on her end while she listened to Dad speak.

  “ok… yeah…ok… I will figure out where to take him…how long will you be?” she asked into the phone. “ok…thanks…” then she was crying. “ok. I will. My poor little Murph.”

She hung up as Grandma got home and came into the house.

Mom told her what was going on and THEN she said “Scott is on his way – he’s going to take us to the Vet! Poor little Buddy…”

The VET. Mental note – when pretending to be sick, don’t be SO good they take you to the Vet! EEP! Then Mom said “I need to run upstairs… will you take care of him for a minute?” Grandma said yes. Which is funny because she and I aren’t exactly fond of one another…

I was getting kind of stiff and cold in this pose, so when Mom left I stretched out and yawned…then I cleaned a few feathers.

  “YOU little FAKER.” Grandma said to me.

Oh well. The Jig was up. It was only Grandma. “You scared your Mother half to death you big faker.” Grandma told me.

I laughed and she frowned. “you’re a bad boy.” Well, I supposed maybe I was… but I needed Mom to stay home with me. I missed her.

  “How is he doing!” Mom asked, running into the room. OOPS. She saw me. My cover was blown. I went back into my position anyway, in case she didn’t see me. I even sneezed again.

No dice…she was on to me.

  “MURPHY! You bad boy! You scared Mama SO MUCH! I was freaking out!!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU FAKED!!!!”

long story short… Mom went apartment hunting with Dad anyways. BUT she DID come home early that night. With some leftover fruit salad from her supper.

  “well buddy.” She said, sitting down with me in her room. “I suppose I have been gone A LOT lately. I am sorry you were so lonely that you pretended to be sick. But PLEASE don’t do that any more, ok? I was terrified something was wrong with you!”

I moved closer on her shoulder and gave her a kiss and cuddled up to show her I loved her.

Then she pet me a little and told me how she and Dad were looking for a place for all THREE of us to move into…and that she’d never leave me. That helped. At least now I knew I’d be going too!!!! Although I wasn’t too sure about this “Dad” guy yet… which takes me into the next story…

The first few weeks after Mom and Dad got married, Dad would come into the bedroom to get ready for bed. I was already there in my cage, in my new bed that they bought me. It is all fuzzy and comfy. I know I know, you’re going to tell me how I don’t like anything fuzzy. And I will deny this too – BUT I LOVE my fuzzy bed. There. I said it. Anyway, it still wasn’t as good as sleeping on my pillow with Mom. But this Dad guy was on my pillow now. So I got a fuzzy bed in my cage. Hmmm. I got the short end of the stick AGAIN. Maybe it would be fun to get Dad in trouble a little. I thought that sounded pretty good. So every night Dad would come into the bedroom to get his stuff together for the next day and get ready for bed. Mom was packing her lunch for work. So after a minute or two, after Dad had come in and said “hey buddy” and began his routine, I’d sneeze. LOUDLY. Once or twice.

Then Mom would come RUNNING into the room and I’d cry a little. And in a scolding voice she’d say to Dad “WHAT did you do to make him cry?!”

Heh heh heh. I admit it. I got A LOT of chuckles outta that one. Ah. Those were good times!

Eventually, Mom was on to me for that too. Oh well. It was fun while it lasted! Dad and I came to a pretty good understanding one day after we shared some cake. Once we learned how much the other one loved cake, we figured out that the other one of us wasn’t so bad after-all. Which is good because we ALSO share the same birthday. Oh well…ya can’t win ‘em all!!!!

Looking Pathetic Enough for Someone to Feed You…

First of all, let me start out by saying, this Murph knows food. This Murph LOVES food. That being said, it isn’t always easy to GET food. Like Yogi bear, Garfield, Shaggy, & Scooby before me, my entire day truly consists of trying to figure out: HOW to GET food. When your Mother has you on a special meal schedule, it’s often hard to figure out different ways to entice her into giving you a treat. When you really want some lasagna and she gives you sunflower seeds, rice krispies, and some cut up grapes, you have to channel your inner Artful Dodger and go for broke.

I watch a lot of food TV. So I think that if I was able to get in the kitchen and cook myself, I’d be eating high on the Hog. Or maybe I’d EAT the hog… just kidding on that, I am actually a vegetarian like my Mother. My sister Lucy is a flesh eater like my Dad. That’s ok – I don’t actually want to eat some of the gross stuff that’s in her bowl. I leave them to their dinners happily.

I admire the Rat in Ratatouille- I think his name was Remy (I have a cousin in France named Remy, but he’s not an actual Rat) anyways, where was I? Oh yeah… Remy the Rat who cooks. I’d love to get on in there and cook something… Pancakes, Lasagna, veggie burgers, cream of mushroom soup…(I am joking, as I have never actually had any cream of mushroom soup, but my Mom likes it.)

Alas, I am only allowed to hang out in my Room while Mom cooks. I keep her company. Sometimes she throws a snack at me, sometimes she tells me it’s almost dinner time, so suck it up. I watch a lot of Scooby Doo Reruns, and those always make me hungry too. And Buddy- the Cake Boss. Mmm. CAKE. The ONE thing my Dad and I have in common: Cake. YUM.

Well, since I am not allowed to cook, and really, how would I even get into the kitchen, out of my Room, to even try? So this leaves trying to look pathetic and hungry.

It’s something that is hard to learn – you really should leave it to the experts. You have to kind of look droopy and sad… and lean on something… sometimes I have to stick my head in my empty bowl and cry… sometimes I do cute tricks and blow my mom a kiss… she’s a sucker for me blowing her a kiss!

There are times when my cousins are over. They’re easy marks. All I have to do is talk to them, or dance…do a little trick… they’ll throw me food any time Mom isn’t looking. I LOVE it when they come to stay. It’s GOOD TIMES for this Murph. And they’re entertaining to watch, too – it’s like dinner AND a show around here! And sometimes, when they’re here, Mom will give me treats JUST BECAUSE they’re visiting. Oh yeah. It’s all good!

I’ve been reading some family cook books in between Big Bird’s book… I am dying for Mom to make pancakes again – they were SO awesome. Mmmm. Now I am hungry. In honor of being hungry, I will post the recipe!

And anyone who wants to make them for me, I won’t stop ya! Hey, a Murph’s gotta eat!!!!!

My Mom's Great Grandma's Pancake recipe - legendary in our family!

Big Bird and Other Influential People…

So, I’m reading Big Bird’s book – “The Wisdom of Big Bird, and the Dark Genius of Oscar the Grouch”

Now, it’s a pretty good read… I am not too far into it, but far enough to know that I relate better to Oscar the Grouch than Big Bird. Oh, I know I know, he’s a BIRD and people tell me I am a bird… But that Oscar – he’s got some real good life lessons… not that I don’t admire Big Bird – I mean, he’s TALL. I’ve always been kinda short so I think that’s pretty cool. But he’s so NICE. I mean, like, to EVERYONE. It’s unnatural. Who can be nice ALL THE TIME?

Also, He’s always quoting famous people. Like for example, this Langston Hughes guy, who wrote “Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is like a broken-winged bird that cannot fly.” 

Ok. First of all, coming from a BIRD, this is kind of an offensive statement. We’re all supposed to be broken-winged and hobbling around with dead dreams? Personally, I have a lot of dreams… ranging from a peanut butter sandwich that actually has some jam on it from time to time (plain peanut butter gets kinda dry… and you can only dunk it in your water so many times before it gets boring) to a dream like packing my suitcase and getting away to Vegas for a few days on the red-eye (I don’t like to actually fly myself, especially with luggage – why not pay the bucks and let someone fly YOU…I am just saying) plus, Vegas has BUFFETS. This Murph digs a good buffet.

So, other than the whole stupid quoting thing, and the being too nice thing, the Bird has some good points. For example, he says “Listen to yourself”. A good piece of advice for many reasons, but the most important one is this: I am always right. Period. End of any discussion. This Murph is ALWAYS right (say it with me, people…this Murph is always right) if I say, “I am HUNGRY.” It means “I AM HUNGRY.” If I say “I am TIRED” it means “I AM TIRED.” See how that works? How can you argue this? The answer: YOU CAN’T. Another Gem from the Yellow Bird – “Find your inner Bird”. Now, if my Dad would JUST listen to this one, he’d be a lot easier to hang out with. But what can you do? You can only educate people so much, and then you’re outta luck. The Bird also says, “Try adding more feathers”. Also a good one – you can NEVER have enough feathers…sometimes, when Mom and I are watching TV together, I give her some of mine in her hair. To be honest, it IS a little bit selfish on my part to a degree – I’d be MORTIFIED if we had company and she was naked of feathers. People would be talking behind my back for months! I DO have a rep to uphold.

There is ONE area he discusses that I don’t agree with, and neither does Oscar the Grouch – and that’s “Take a pay cut”. (I TOLD you Oscar makes more sense) I mean – WHAT! It hurt me to even WRITE that phrase. Alex P. Keaton isn’t my role model for nothin’, people. Take a pay cut. WOW.

Speaking of the great Oscar the Grouch, that guy is brilliant. He lives in a can – my room is a cage with a play top on it. My little sister goes up there ALL the time and wants to “hang out”. Yeah yeah, my Mom always tells me “she looks up to you – she loves you… she thinks your wonderful”. It’s really not my fault that she thinks I am wonderful. I AM wonderful. What can I do about THAT? I don't even think that I could try NOT to be. But never-the-less, she goes up there and bugs me ALL THE TIME. If I was in a can she couldn’t do that. Plus, to further prove his brilliance – Oscar is a GROUCH. He is CRABBY. He doesn’t want to SHARE his stuff (AND JUST LIKE JOEY FROM FRIENDS,  THIS MURPH DOESN’T SHARE FOOD!) He laughs at people, he hates flowers and fluffy things and things that are nice. I AM CRABBY! I don’t like to share! I laugh at people! I hate flowers and fluffy things! THAT IS ME! Yes. Oscar is my idol and I would give anything to meet him! If anyone knows him personally, I would LOVE his autograph!

Ok, I have to add this: My Mom is yelling at me that my sister is fluffy and I don’t hate her. Well, ok, she’s right. I kinda actually LIKE her (except when she licks me) but I don’t want HER to know that! That would ruin my rep, and a guy’s gotta worry about that stuff.

Well. All-in-all, so far I am enjoying the first half of the book… we’ll see if it turns crummy from here or if it’s still as enjoyable later-on.  Right now I am off to see if my mom will give me some jam today with my peanut butter sandwich, rice krispies, and grapes… wish me luck!